


Helping yourself

by Anon_H



Series: Bag o gifts [9]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteor, Pale Porn, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog, Self-cest, pale masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-24
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-09 21:42:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1151117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anon_H/pseuds/Anon_H
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat, mentally exhausted from the long meteor voyage, decides to do something he swore he would never do.</p><p>He unblocks his future self on trollian.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Confronting yourself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TPK](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TPK/gifts).



**\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] unblocked FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]\--**

CG: NOW DON’T GET ANY BRIGHT FUCKING IDEAS FUTURE ASSHOLE.   
CG: THIS IS NOT ME APOLOGIZING FOR *YOUR* TERRIBLE FUCKING MISTAKES. THIS IS NOT ME CRAWLING TO YOU LOOKING FOR FORGIVENESS LIKE YOU ARE THE PATRON SAINT OF ALL PARADOX SPACE SCREW-UPS.   
CG: I JUST NEED TO VENT FOR A MOMENT AND YOU CAN PRETEND YOU DID OR DIDN’T HEAR ANY OF THAT. REGARDLESS OF YOUR ACTIONS, THE AMOUNT OF FUCKS I GIVE WILL REMAIN THE SAME. NAMELY ZERO.   
CG: ZERO IS STILL A FUCKING NUMBER RIGHT?   
CG: I MEAN IT’S TECHNICALLY NOTHING. JUST A FUCKING CIRCLE, IT IS LITERALLY AN EMPTY SPACE. IF IT ISN’T QUANTIFIABLE DOES IT EVEN COUNT IN MATH? DOES THAT MEAN ZERO IS A HYPOTHETICAL FUCKING NUMBER AND WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF THAT?   
CG: NOTE TO SELF: FORBID USAGE OF ZEROES IN……  
CG: WELL, SHOULD WE EVER FIND OUT WAY OF OUR ROCK I’LL MAKE SURE TO BRING UP THE SUBJECT OF ZEROES WITH…… FUCK.   
CG: WITH WHOEVER IS LEFT I GUESS.   
CG: IT FEELS LIKE WE’VE BEEN DRIFTING THROUGH SPACE FOR SWEEPS NOW, BUT DURING ONE OF LALONDE'S MORE HELPFUL OUTBURSTS OF THE PAST FEW WEEKS SHE CALLOUSLY MENTIONED IT HAS ONLY BEEN ONE HUMAN YEAR.   
CG: SHE GETS HELPFUL LIKE THIS THIS WHEN SHE CAN BE BOTHERED TO LOOK UP FROM HER DRUNKEN FUCKING STUPOR.   
CG: I SWEAR, IT IS LIKE DEALING WITH GAMZEE ALL OVER AGAIN THOUGH I THINK I MIGHT ACTUALLY PREFER THIS ONE SOBER. KANAYA REALLY HAS HER HANDS FULL DEALING WITH HER.   
CG: THE SITUATION ISN’T SO MUCH FALLING APART LIKE A HOUSE MADE OUT OF CHEAP FUCKING PLAYING CARDS AS MUCH AS IT IS SILENTLY IMPLODING.   
CG: TO BE HONEST, I THINK THAT IS EVEN SCARIER.   
CG: DAVE IS LOOKING AT STUPID *IRONIC* PHOTO’S AND PRETENDS HE ISN’T AFFECTED BY ALL OF THIS IN AN *ALMOST* PITIABLE MANNER. LALONDE HAS A FAR LESS SUBTLE WAY OF COPING AS I MENTIONED MERE SENTENCES AGO.   
CG: GAMZEE AND TEREZI WELL…… I HAVEN’T SEEN THEM IN A FUCKING WHILE. BUT I DON’T BELIEVE GAMZEE WILL CULL HER NOW. EVEN THOUGH, FOR A SINFUL MOMENT, I ALMOST WISH HE HAD.   
CG: I FELT FUCKING BETRAYED AND DEVASTATED FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF TWO HOURS. AFTER THAT IT JUST KINDA MADE SENSE AND I BECAME LIKE THIS. I FEEL NUMB, LIKE I’M A FUCKING HUSK OF A TROLL WHILE MY PUPATED FORM FLIES AROUND SOMEWHERE IN THESE INFINITE FUCKING BUBBLES, GLAD TO BE RID OF THE PATHETIC SACK OF SHIT THAT IS KARKAT VANTAS.   
CG: THE ONLY ONES HOLDING THIS FUCKING JOKE OF A QUEST TOGETHER ARE KANAYA AND THE MAYOR. I HONESTLY DON’T WANT TO THINK OF MY STATE OF MIND HAD SHE STAYED AT THE SUN  
CG: OR IF THE MAYOR HAND'T PULLED THROUGH. THAT WAS A FUCKING CLOSE ONE. WAY TO FUCKING CLOSE. WHOEVER DID THAT TO THE MAYOR….. WELL, IS PROBABLY LONG DEAD, BUT DESERVES TO BURN IN PITS OF SULFUR FOR WHAT HE DID.   
CG: I GUESS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW, WHAT I CAME HERE FOR TO ASK….. DOES IT GET BETTER?   
CG: OR WILL WE ALL BE DRONING LUNATICS BY THE TIME WE ARRIVE IN THE NEXT SESSION?   
CG: I WOULD WISH SOMETHING HAPPENED TO LIVEN UP THE PLACE. ANYTHING REALLY.   
CG: EXCEPT I DON’T, BECAUSE, AS WE BOTH KNOW BY NOW, PARADOX SPACE WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO HAVE ANY NICE THINGS EVER AND WILL INEVITABLY INTERPRET MY WISH AS THREE FUCKING COLORS OF BLOOD STAINING THE DAMN WALLS. 

**\-- FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] is now online--**

CG: WELL, GUESS I AM DONE VENTING NOW.   
FCG: JEGUS, IS IT TIME FOR THIS CONVERSATION ALREADY?  
CG: JUST SPARE ME THE FUCKING FUTURE SHTICK PLEASE.   
CG: I HATE YOU AND YOU HATE ME. THIS IS HOW IT’S ALWAYS BEEN, THIS IS HOW IT ALWAYS WILL REMAIN.   
CG: AS CONSTANT AS THE FUCKING MOONS RISING AND AS PREDICTABLE AS THE FUCKING TIDE.   
FCG: EXCEPT NOW WE HAVE NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS BECAUSE, AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED, WE ARE CURRENTLY HURTLING THROUGH THE BUTTFUCK OF NOWHERE, SPACE. SO MUCH FOR FUCKING CONSTANTS.  
FCG: I WAS *JUST* GETTING USED TO ACTUALLY FUCKING TOLERATING MY PAST AND FUTURE SELVES AND THEN YOU DECIDE TO COME ALONG TO RUIN THAT LUCKY STREAK. THANK YOU FOR ONCE AGAIN STIFFLING MY FAITH IN ANY OF MY PAST SELVES.  
CG: THE ONLY PERSON BEARING MORE RESEMBLANCE TO AGED DICKCHEESE THAN PAST ME’S ARE FUTURE ME’S!   
FCG: OH WAUW, WILL THAT COMMENT SOUND LIKE THE MOST CLEVER FUCING INSULT A FEW MONTHS FROM NOW?  
FCG: I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU A SPOILER AND SAY: NO. IN FACT, YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET EVER WRITING THAT SENTENCE BEFORE SAYING IT OUT LOUD AND HATE YOURSELF JUST A LITTLE MORE FOR IT.  
CG: FUCK YOU!   
FCG: FUCK YOU!  
CG: OK…………  
CG: I AM DONE.   
CG: I AM DONE, I GOT IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM…. I CALMED DOWN.   
FCG: I KNOW.  
CG: FUCK, IT’S LIKE I CAN’T EVEN HOLD A PROPER VERBAL PISSING CONTEST AGAINST MY FUTURE SELVES ANYMORE. JUST LOOK AT WHAT THIS GODDAMN PLACE DOES TO ME.   
CG: I AM LOSING MY THINKPAN OUT HERE.   
CG: DOES IT GET ANY BETTER OR AM I STILL SCREAMING AT MYSELF A FEW MONTHS FROM NOW?   
FCG: WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU?  
FCG: IT’S NOT LIKE YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING BELIEVE ME ANYWAY. TRUST ME, I FUCKING KNOW THE OUTCOME OF THIS ONE.  
FCG: AND I THINK YOU ARE HONESTLY BETTER OF NOT KNOWING.  
CG: I AM HUMORING YOU FOR NOW. JUST THROW ME A FUCKING BONE HERE.   
FCG: ARE YOU SURE?  
CG: POSITIVE.   
FCG: ……… EH FUCK IT. OBLIGATIONS TO TIMELINES OR WHATEVER. THOUGH IT WOULD REALLY LIVEN UP THE PLACE IF ARADIA POPPED UP AND SWATTED MY HANDS FROM THE KEYBOARD. AT LEAST WE’D GET SOME DAMN INTERACTION.  
CG: THE POINT PLEASE.   
FCG: WELL….. WE’RE HANGING IN THERE, SO THAT’S SOMETHING. THOUGH I SWEAR, GAMZEE SOMETIMES JUST DISAPPEARS COMPLETELY, LIKE HE’S NOT EVEN ON THE METEOR ANYMORE.  
FCG: YOU ALREADY DUMPED HIS JUGGALO ASS I PRESUME?  
FCG: OH, SPOILER, YOU’RE GOING TO DUMP HIS JUGGALO ASS.  
CG: BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.   
CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW I EVER FELT LEGITIMATELY PALE FOR THAT GUY.   
FCG: I AM CONVINCED THAT I DID IT OUT OF OBLIGATION. TAKING ONE FOR THE FUCKING TEAM.  
CG: NO….. THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE. I JUST CAN’T FUCKING FIND IT ANYMORE. HE IS TOO FAR GONE FOR ANY OF THAT SHIT TO STILL MATTER.   
FCG: YEAH…….. I GUESS.  
FCG: DAVE HANGS IN THERE. HE THINKS HE IS A LOT MORE DIFFICULT TO READ THEN HE REALLY IS. HE IS STRUGGLING WITH IT, BUT I THINK HE’S GOING TO BE OK.  
CG: YOU THINK?   
FCG: I HOPE SO. HE IS A LOT TOUGHER THAN HE SEEMS. IT’S LIKE, AT FIRST GLANCE HE IS THIS GIANT DOUCHENOZZLE, AT SECOND GLANCE HE IS LEGITIMATELY TROUBLED BY THIS INSANE FUCKING VOYAGE AND AT THIRD GLANCE HE SEEMS TO BE DEALING WITH IT.   
FCG: KANAYA AND ROSE ARE SLOWLY GETTING MORE AGGRESSIVE IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP.  
CG: AS IN?   
FCG: AS IN I’VE SEEN THINGS THAT I CAN NEVER ERASE FROM MY FUCKING MIND, REGARDLESS OF THE AMOUNT OF BLEACH I USE. THE ONLY OPTION TO COMPLETELY FORGET IT WOULD BE SUICIDE, BUT I CAN’T DO THAT TO THE MAYOR.  
FCG: OH, ANOTHER SPOILER: THE MAYOR IS STILL PRETTY MUCH THE BEST GUY EVER.  
CG: WELL DUH, SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE.   
CG: ALSO YUCK. I THOUGHT I MADE THE RULES REGARDING INTERSPECIES SLOPPY MAKE-OUTS ABBUNDANDLY CLEAR.   
FCG: YOU HAVE CAUGHT THEM WITH THEIR TONGUES INTERTWINED MORE THAN ONCE. DID YOU SERIOUSLY GIVE YOURSELF A PAT ON THE BACK FOR ESTABLISHING SUCH STRICT DICTATORIAL RULES WHILE THEY ARE BROKEN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?  
CG: ERGH….. AND WHAT ABOUT TEREZI?   
FCG: WELL………   
FCG: SHE GETS WORSE.  
CG: OH……….  
FCG: SHE REALLY ISN’T TAKING TO THIS VOYAGE WELL. I’VE BEEN TRYING TO HELP HER OUT BUT I THINK SHE’S AVOIDING ME.  
FCG: SHE IS MOPEY, OFTEN MUMBLES TO HERSELF WHEN SHE THINKS NO ONE CAN HEAR HER, WEARS HER FUCKING CAPE EVERYWHERE……   
CG: THAT’S NOT TOO BAD.   
FCG: SHE OFTEN FORGETS TO WEAR PANTS AND HAS GOTTEN ADDICTED TO THAT FUCKING FAYGO SWILL.  
CG: THAT’S BAD.   
FCG: I KNOW.   
CG: AND WHAT ABOUT YOU? ME? US?   
FCG: I RATHER NOT SAY.  
FCG: YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FUCKING BELIEVE ME IF I DO AND I ACTUALLY THINK THIS CONVERSATION CAN END WITH OUR MILD MUTUAL RESPECT IN TACT.  
CG: SCREW THAT NOISE!   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS? DO I BITE OF AN ARM IN BOREDOM? DOES LALONDE GO GRIMDARK AND TEAR MY LEGS OFF?   
FCG: NO. NO BODILY HARM.  
CG: DOES TEREZI DECIDE TO FLIP RED FOR GAMZEE? DOES THE MAYOR FALL DOWN THE STAIRS AND FORGETS WHO WE ARE? DOES STRIDER DEVELOP AN ASHEN CRUSH AND MAKE ME TURN HIM DOWN?   
FCG: NO….. IN FACT.  
FCG: WELL……  
FCG: YOU GET A MOIRAIL.  
CG: WHAT?!   
CG: THAT IS GREAT. THAT COULD ACTUALLY…. WAUW.   
CG: I AM KINDA FUCKING SHOCKED HEARING THIS. I MEAN, AFTER GAMZEE I DIDN’T THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT ME AND….. JEGUS, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.   
FCG: YEAH WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.  
FCG: LATER.  
CG: WAIT A FUCKMOTHERING SECOND.   
CG: WHO IS IT?   
FCG: OH GOD………  
CG: WHO AM I GOING TO SHOOSH AND PAP INTO SUBMISSION?   
CG: WHO IS GOING TO TENDERLY LAY ME DOWN ON THE PILE?   
CG: WHO AM I GOING TO PACIFY?   
FCG: I THINK YOU GOT YOUR HOPES UP TOO MUCH.  
CG: IS IT THE MAYOR?   
CG: I MEAN, IT ISN’T KANAYA. SHE IS CONSTANTLY FLIPPING WITH ROSE. BUT SCANDALOUS AS IT IS, LALONDE FUCKING NEEDS IT, SO I WOULDN'T FUSS.   
CG: IS IT STRIDER? I MEAN, IF ANYONE NEEDS A GOOD PAPPING.   
FCG: KARKAT……..  
CG: JUST FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK TELL ME TEREZI DOESN’T FUCKING PALEZONE ME. BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE A PHRASE COINED BY AMPORA CANON IN OUR NEW REALITY AND NO ONE WANTS THAT. MY VASCULAR AQUATIC BLOODPUMPING VESSEL COULDN’T HANDLE THAT SHIT.   
FCG: I REALLY THINK I SHOULD GO.  
CG: NOT BEFORE YOU FUCKING TELL ME.   
CG: COME ON, UNLESS I FORM A FUCKING MOIRAILLEGIANCE WITH ONE OF THE HORRORTERRORS HOW BAD CAN IT BE?   
FCG: HAHAHAHA, OH YOUR POOR FUCKING THINKPAN IS IN FOR A RUDE AWAKENING.  
FCG: BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT: I AM THE MOIRAIL.  
FCG: IT IS ME.  
CG: ………………………….WHAT THE *ACTUAL* FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE PLAYING AT HERE?   
FCG: DON’T LOOK AT ME. I FUCKING WARNED YOU.  
CG: THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU FUCKING JOKE ABOUT!   
CG: DO I LOSE ALL MY RESPECT FOR THE PALE QUADRANT THE COMING MONTH?!   
CG: DO I BANG MY HEAD SO HARD ON MY DESK AFTER READING THIS THAT I SUFFER TERRIBLE BRAIN DAMAGE?   
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT *YOU* AS MY MOIRAIL?!   
FCG: WELL, LETS GO OVER THE REASONS IT WORKS. BECAUSE YOU ARE CLEARLY AT A POINT YOUR THINKPAN CAN’T FUCKING HANDLE THE TRUTH.  
FCG: I KNOW YOU, PROBABLY BETTER THAN ANYONE.  
FCG: I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU AND, GET THIS, I CAN ACTUALLY GIVE YOU ADVICE AND TIPS ON HOW TO ANTICIPATE ON FUTURE EVENTS.  
FCG: FUCKING CRAZY I KNOW. BLEW MY THINKPAN TO WHEN I FIRST REALIZED.  
CG: OK, NOW YOU ARE JUST MOCKING *EVERYTHING* A PROPER MOIRAILLEGIANCE STANDS FOR.   
CG: ALL ITS BEAUTY, ALL ITS INTRICACIES, YOU ARE DEFECATING YOUR VERBAL BULLSHIT ON IT. AND I CAN NOT BELIEVE I WILL BE YOU IN A FEW MONTHS!   
CG: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE BEFORE I PUNCH THROUGH THE SCREEN SO HARD EVEN FUTURE ME WILL FEEL IT!   
FCG: WHAT IS STOPPING YOU?  
FCG: GO RIGHT AHEAD. COME AT ME BRO.  
CG: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

**\-- carcinoGeneticist’s [CG] laptop broke--**  
 **\-- FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] disconnected--**


	2. Getting over yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Karkat feels very confused about his future self.

**\-- CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] began trolling FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] at UNKNOWN TIMEPERIOD—**

CCG: NO, THIS IS NOT ME AMUSING YOUR DEVIANT FUCKING IDEAS OF A MOIRAILLEGIANCE.   
CCG: YOU CAN CRAWL IN THE DEEPEST FUCKING HOLE YOU CAN FIND FOR ALL I CARE AND DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH IN THERE, SUFFOCATING ON YOUR OWN INTESTINAL GASSES!

**\-- FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] is now idle--**

CCG: FINE. BE THAT WAY. I JUST NEED TO VENT AGAIN ANYWAY. AND I DON’T NEED ANY FUCKING SASS FROM FUTURE SELVES TO DO THAT.   
CCG: I WOULD POST THIS SHIT ON A MEMO, BUT GUESS WHAT? EVERYONE IS SO FUCKING BORED THEY WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO HEAR ME SCREAM AT MYSELF AGAIN.   
CCG: I ACTUALLY RISK PEOPLE READING THAT SHIT NOW. OR WORSE: COMMENT ON IT.   
CCG: I MUST BE THE BIGGEST FUCKING IDIOT IN PARADOX SPACE FOR WHAT I’VE GOTTEN MYSELF INTO THIS TIME.   
CCG: OF COURSE, YOU ALREADY KNOW BECAUSE YOU FELL DOWN THE SAME FUCKING PITFALL DIDN’T YOU! WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT HELPING ME ANTICIPATE FUTURE EVENTS? COULDN’T EVEN FUCKING TELL ME WHEN TO PUT A SOCK IN MY PROTEÏNCHUTE!   
CCG: I PROMISED PEIXES’S DANCESTOR THAT I WOULD BE HER TRESHECUTIONER.   
CCG: IT JUST…….. IT JUST KINDA MADE FUCKING SENSE TO ME YOU KNOW?   
CCG: HERE I AM, TRYING ALL MY LIFE TO MAKE SOME RANK IN THE MILITARY I WAS *NEVER* GOING TO REACH IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE OF MY FUCKING BLOOD AND THERE SHE WAS, JUST….. OFFERING IT TO ME.   
CCG: WAS I SUPPOSED TO REJECT IT?   
CCG: IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S FUCKING GOING TO HAPPEN ANYWAY, BUT I FEEL…. GUILTY I GUESS?   
CCG: I MEAN, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO JOIN HER STUPID GHOST ARMY? OBVIOUS METHOD NOTWITHSTANDING.   
CCG: I ACTUALLY KINDA LIKE THE CRAZY FISHBITCH, WHICH WAS PROBABLY THE MOST SHOCKING THING THAT CAME OUT OF THE WHOLE EXCHANGE.   
CCG: I ACTUALLY KIND OF *LIKE* THE OTHER VERSION OF THE CONDESCE. DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING BIZARRE THAT IS?   
CCG: WE BOTH LED OUR TEAMS MADE OUT OF LOSERS IN A SESSION THAT WAS DOOMED FROM THE START. WE ARE BOTH PISSED ABOUT OUR POSITION ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM AND WE ARE THE ONLY ONES ACTUALLY TRYING TO COME UP WITH METHODS TO TAKE DOWN THE FUCKING DESTROYER OF REALITY ITSELF.   
CCG: IT KIND OF CREATES A BOND YOU KNOW?   
CCG: SHE REMINDS ME OF TEREZI IN A WAY, WHICH ONLY MAKES ME FEEL MORE FUCKED UP ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.   
CCG: SHE ISN’T AFRAID TO BE WHO SHE IS, EVEN IF IT MAKES HER LOOK KINDA WEIRD. SHE’S ACTUALLY PRETTY FUNNY, AND SHE CERTAINLY ISN’T BAD-LOOKING.   
CCG: JEGUS, JUST FUCKING LOOK AT ME.    
CCG: EITHER I AM FLUSHING FOR A GHOST OLDER THAN OUR VERSION OF ALTERNIA OR I AM USING HER AS TEREZI STAND-IN.    
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!

**\-- FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] is now online--**

CCG: I WASN’T FINISHED YOU COLOSSALLY OBTUSE SON OF A CONCUBINE!

**\-- FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] is now idle--**

CCG: FUCK, NOW I LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. THANKS A LOT FUTURE ASSWHIPE.   
CCG: WELL, LET’S CONTINUE AND TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE THAT IS GOING DOWN THE FUCKING LOAD GAPER.

**\-- FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] is now online--**

CCG: I SAID I WASN’T FINISHED YOU INSUFFERABLE TAINTLICKER!   
FCG: NO. FUCK YOU!   
FCG: I AM NOT SITTING IDLY BY WHILE YOU ARE WALLOWING IN SELF-PITY LIKE EVERY BLUEBLOODED WRIGGLER THAT BOUGHT A TROLL LINKIN PARK ALBUM EVER!   
FCG: YOU ARE THE FUCKING LEADER OF YOUR TEAM AND YOU ARE GOING TO ACT LIKE IT DAMNIT!   
CCG: I SEE. HOW VERY FUCKING FASCINATING.   
CCG: I AM THE LEADER YOU SAY?   
FCG: OH GOD…. IT’S THIS CONVERSATION.   
FCG: I WOULD LOG OFF, BUT I JUST HAVE TO SEE THIS STEAM LOCOMOTIVE WRECK IN MOTION.   
CCG: WHEN HAVE I EVER DONE *ANYTHING* LIKE A GOOD LEADER?   
CCG: I WAS THE ONE WHO BEGAN PLAYING SGRUB, SETTING THE FUCKING METEORS IN MOTION.   
CCG: I WAS THE ONE MAKING A DEAL WITH JACK.   
CCG: I DIDN’T BRING US ONTO THIS INCREDIBLY SUFFOCATING ROCK, THAT WAS ARADIA, BUT IT MIGHT AS WEL HAVE BEEN ME!   
FCG: TAKING ALL THE CREDIT?   
CCG: AND WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO KEEP AN EYE ON GAMZEE BEFORE HE WENT BERSERK? OH RIGHT. THAT WAS ALSO ME!   
FCG: WHAT DO YOU WANT? A COOKIE?   
FCG: A PAT ON THE HEAD?   
FCG: A BRONZE STATUE WITH A PLAQUE THAT READS: KARKAT VANTAS, BIGGEST FAILURE IN EVERY ITERATION OF OUR UNIVERSE FOREVER.   
FCG: SOMETIMES LIFE WILL JUST SHIT ON YOU. LIFE *HAS* ALREADY SHAT WAY BIGGER DUMPS ON YOUR HEAD.   
FCG: NOW YOU’RE COMPLAINING ABOUT HAVING NOTHING TO DO?   
CCG: OH WAUW, HAVE YOU EVEN READ ANY FUCKING THING I JUST SAID?   
CCG: THE WHOLE DEAL WITH MEENAH? WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?   
FCG: REMEMBER HOW YOU’VE WATCHED ROMCOMS YOUR ENTIRE LIFE?   
FCG: BECAUSE I KNOW YOU’RE RETARDED, LET ME ADD: THAT IS A RHETORICAL QUESTION.   
CCG: GO HUMP AN ANGRY WASPLUSUS YOU PILE OF WASTE!   
FCG: DO YOU KNOW HOW, IN EVERY ROMCOM A CHARACTER STARTS LYING IN A WAY THAT ONLY DIGS HIM A DEEPER HOLE?   
FCG: TRY DOING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT.   
FCG: HOW ABOUT: HEY PEIXES. SORRY, BUT NO DICE. I GOT SHIT TO DO.   
CCG: GNNNNNNNNNGRRHH.   
FCG: WHAT?!   
CCG: IS THIS WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT?   
FCG: I REPEAT: WHAT?!   
CCG: THE MOIRAILLEGIANCE THAT IS SUPPOSED TO START BETWEEN US.   
CCG: ACCORDING TO YOU AT LEAST.   
FCG: OH, YEAH…. TEMPORAL SHENANIGANS. FUCK, THIS IS WHY I BLOCKED FUTURE SELVES IN THE FIRST PLACE.   
FCG: WHY, OH MIRTHFUL FUCKING MESSIAHS WHY DID I DECIDE IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO UNBLOCK MYSELF.   
CCG: AND AS USUAL, YOU ARE MAKING NO SENSE.   
FCG: LOOK, I DON’T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING DISGUSTING BUT…..   
FCG: WELL, BETWEEN ME AND MY FUTURE SELF, THIS BARELY CONSTITUTES AS FOREPLAY.   
CCG: GROSS.   
FCG: NOT GONNA LIE: I WAS WEIRDED OUT TOO.   
FCG: BUT AS IT TURNS OUT, AND I AM NOT SAYING THIS TO POLISH MY OWN HORN, BUT WE ARE ACTUALLY QUITE FUCKING ADEQUATE AS MOIRAIL.   
CCG: AFTER WHAT HAPPENED WITH GAMZEE? GET THE FUCK OUT.   
CCG: WE MUST BE THE WORST MOIRAILS IN PARADOX SPACE FOR LETTING THAT IDIOT DO AS HE PLEASED FOR SO LONG. WHICH INCIDENTALLY MAKES US THE BIGGER FUCKING IDIOTS!   
FCG: GAMZEE WAS A LOST CAUSE FROM THE BEGINNING, BUT WE LEARNED FROM IT. WE GOT FUCKING SCHOOLFED LIKE THE MOST RETARDED FUCKING WRIGGLERS.   
FCG: AND EXCUSE ME FOR ACTUALLY THINKING I AM A HALFWAY DECENT MOIRAIL BY NOW. WHICH MEANS THAT BY EXTENSION, YOU ARE A HALFWAY DECENT MOIRAIL.    
CCG: NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY YOU FUTURE BULGEWEED!   
FCG: NO!   
FCG: *YOU* LISTEN CAREFULLY PASTHOLE!   
FCG: I HAVE FUCKING HAD IT WITH YOUR SELF-PITY.   
FCG: BACK STRAIGHT, CHIN UP AND GET YOUR FUCKING ACT TOGETHER YOU INSUFFERABLE IMBECILE!   
CCG: DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO, YOU……..   
CCG: YOU……… SPUNKLICKING ASSWEASEL!!!!   
FCG: OH FOR THE LOVE OF WILL SMITH. SHOOSH!   
CCG: DID YOU JUST FUCKING TRY TO SHOOSH ME?!   
FCG: YES AND I WILL DO SO AGAIN!   
CCG: NO YOU FUCKING W—   
FCG: SHOOSH YOU ASSHOLE, SHOOSH!   
FCG: CALM YOUR TITS DOWN BEFORE THEY FLY OF THE HANDLE LIKE A TERRIBLE OLD MEME.   
FCG: YOU NEED TO HEAR SOMEONE SAY IT KARKAT, BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST THAT FUCKING PITIABLE.   
FCG: YOU ARE NOT STUPID.   
FCG: YOU ARE NOT HELPLESS.   
FCG: YOU DIDN’T SCREW UP AND ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE CAN JUMP RIGHT INTO THE ABYSS FOR ALL I CARE.   
CCG: …………….   
CCG: FUCK.   
FCG: JUST LET IT GO.   
CCG: I AM *NOT* CRYING ASSHOLE!   
FCG: I NEVER SAID YOU WERE.   
CCG: YOU WERE INSINUATING!   
FCG: I GUESSED.   
CCG: FUCK……………….   
CCG: CAN........I……..FUCK.   
FCG: YES?   
CCG: CAN YOU MAYBE….. PLEASE CONTINUE TALKING PALE TO ME FOR A WHILE?   
FCG: ALRIGHT.   
FCG: BUT YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TOO.   
FCG: SLIDE YOUR FINGERS GENTLY OVER YOUR HORNS TILL THE REACH THE TIP.   
FCG: THEN SLOWLY SLIDE THEM ALL THE WAY DOWN TILL YOU REACH THE BASE OF YOUR HORNS AND MASSAGE THERE.   
CCG: FUCK………FUCK……..FUCK………..FUCK……..   
CCG: PLEASE TALK TO ME.   
FCG: JUST CONTINUE DOING THAT AND IMAGINE THOSE HANDS AS MINE.   
CCG: I AM TRYING YOU FUTURE BASTARD! I JUST NEED SOME MORE STIMULATION FROM YOU!   
FCG: TEREZI WASN’T YOUR FAULT.   
CCG: NGGH…….   
FCG: SHE WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN HAPPY WITH US AND WE WOULD HAVE BEEN MISERABLE WITH HER.   
FCG: THOUGH GAMZEE DOESN’T DESERVE HER, SHE NEEDS TIME AND A FRIEND.    
FCG: YOU’LL BE HER FRIEND WONT YOU?   
CCG: YES……. IF SHE’LL EVEN FUCKING LET ME.   
FCG: SHE WILL. DON’T EVEN DOUBT THAT.   
CCG: BUT……. CHRIST……….   
FCG: AND KANAYA IS REALLY GOING TO NEED SOME HELP WITH HER MATESPRIT.   
CCG: JUST BECAUSE STRIDER ISN’T FULFILLING HIS JOB AS A MOIRAIL FOR LALONDE DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE TO INTERVENE LIKE SOME SORT OF DIVINE FUCK-YOU SENT FROM THE HEAVENS!   
CCG: OR HAVE THE MAYOR HELP HER, EVEN DRUNK THAT CRAZY HUMAN BITCH LISTENS TO HIM.   
FCG: I SAID CONTINUE STROKING YOUR HORNS AND IMAGINE THEM AS MINE.   
FCG: YOU STOPPED DIDN’T YOU?   
CCG: I NEEDED TO TYPE ASSHOLE!   
FCG: WELL I AM NOT FUCKING STOPPING AND I TENDERLY PUT MY HANDS AROUND YOUR HORNS.   
FCG: MAYBE GIVE THEM A LITTLE TWEAK SO I KNOW I HAVE YOUR FULL FUCKING ATTENTION.   
CCG: YOU MUST BE THE WORST DAMN MOIRAIL EVER.   
FCG: AS I WAS SAYING……..   
FCG: KANAYA IS GONNA NEED SOME HELP HERSELF. ITS INCREDIBLY TAXING TO LOOK AFTER YOUR MATESPRIT THE WAY SHE DOES.   
FCG: AND SHE CAN’T TURN TO STRIDER OR THE MAYOR BECAUSE THIS IS A TROLL THING.   
CCG: YOUR SAYING SHE NEEDS A MOIRAIL?   
FCG: MAYBE. FUTURE ME IS STILL WORKING THAT OUT.   
FCG: BUT EVEN SO, SHE NEEDS SOMEONE. MOIRAIL OR NOT.   
CCG: AND YOUR SAYING I SHOULD HELP HER?   
CCG: YOUR SAYING I SHOULD HELP EVERYONE?!   
FCG: I AM SAYING THEY STILL FUCKING NEED YOU KARKAT. THEY CAN BARELY FIGURE OUT WHAT THE POINTY END OF THEIR STRIFE SPECIBUS IS. YOU ARE NOT DONE AND I AM NOT DONE.   
FCG: NOW CAREFULLY PLACE THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ON YOUR CHEEK AND SHOOSH.   
CCG: THAT’S……..THAT’S TOO FUCKING EMBERRASSING.   
FCG: NO ONE WILL KNOW.   
CCG: I CAN’T.   
FCG: JUST REAL FUCKING TENDERLY. THERE YOU GO.   
FCG: TAKE A DEEP BREATH.   
FCG: SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH.   
FCG: NOW PAP CAREFULLY.   
CCG: ARE YOU GETTING OFF ON THIS?   
FCG: DO IT AND MAYBE I’LL TALK PALE AGAIN.   
FCG: THERE. NEXT TIME YOU’RE IN A DREAMBUBBLE YOU’RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO MEENAH.   
FCG: YOU’RE NOT DONE HERE. SOMEONE HAS TO LEAD EVERYBODY INTO THE NEW SESSION AND IT ISN’T GOING TO BE STRIDER.   
CCG: ………………ALRIGHT.   
CCG: BUT IF ANYONE EVER FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS….   
FCG: TEREZI SUSPECTS SOMETHING, BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW.   
CCG: GOOD.   
CCG: CAUSE I WOULD JUST CULL MYSELF ON THE SPOT IF SHE DID.   
CCG: THIS IS THE MOST FUCKED UP THING I HAVE EVER DONE.   
FCG: AND YOU ARE GLAD YOU DID IT.   
CCG: SHUT YOUR PROTEINECHUTE!   
CCG: I JUST…......   
CCG: WELL, I AM FEELING A LOT CALMER THAN BEFORE.   
CCG: SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIFIED OF GNAWING MY OWN LIMBS OF IN BOREDOM.   
CCG: BUT I AM NOT SURE ABOUT….. WELL, THIS.   
FCG: I UNDERSTAND.   
FCG: I’LL BE ONLINE TOMORROW. WE’LL TALK IN THROUGH.   
CCG: YEAH…. SOUNDS GOOD.   
FCG: <>   
CCG: DON’T PLEASE….   
CCG: NOT YET.   
FCG: TAKE YOUR TIME. YOU KNOW I'LL BE HERE IF YOU NEED ME.

**\-- FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] left convo at UNKNOWN TIMEPERIOD--**

CCG: FUCK.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One short closing chapter coming soonish.


	3. Loving yourself

**\-- CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] began trolling FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]\--**

CCG: HEY.  
CCG: ARE YOU THERE?  
CCG: I AM KINDA FLIPPING MY SHIT OVER HERE. DOING AN ACROBATIC FUCKING PIROUETTE OF THE HANDLE AND INTO A BLAST FURNACE.  
CCG: I CAN’T FUCKING CONTAIN ALL THESE PALE SHENANIGANS AND I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM SUPPOSED TO DO!!  
CCG: THIS ISN’T BEING STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE, THIS IS BEING STUCK BETWEEN LITERAL FUCKING MAGMA, THE MOLESTING TENTACLES OF THE HORRORTERRORS AND A TANK OF ANGRY MURDERFISH.  
CCG: I AM REALLY FUCKING LOST AND THE MIXED SIGNALS I AM GETTING FROM BOTH KANAYA AND STRIDER ARE *NOT* FUCKING HELPING.  
CCG: AND I HAVEN’T EVEN DARED TO TOUCH THE TEREZI ISSUE YET.  
FCG: BUSY WITH THE TEREZI ISSUE MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IT’S A BIT OF A FUCKING MESS.  
CCG: WHEN DID WE GET SO FUCKING ABSORBED BY ALL THE DRAMA?!  
FCG: THE MOMENT YOU DECIDED TO LEAD THE TEAM.  
CCG: ALRIGHT. SO KANAYA WAS RANTING TO ME ABOUT ROSE’S SOPOR ABUSE AND I JUST….. FUCK.  
CCG: I HAD TO FIGHT THE URGE NOT TO PAP HER AND TELL HER EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE OK.  
CCG: MY HAND ONLY SLIGHTLY BRUSHED AGAINST HER HORN AND IT SEEMED LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING START WITH HER THERE.  
CCG: I WAS *THIS* CLOSE TO STARTING AN IMPROV FEELINGSJAM RIGHT THERE IN THE HALLWAY.  
CCG: IF TEREZI HAD SMELLED ME STRUGGLE WITH THAT SHIT I WOULD HAVE CULLED MYSELF ON THE SPOT.  
FCG: DID KANAYA NOTICE?  
CCG: I DON’T THINK SHE DID, THOUGH SHE SHIVERED AT THE BRIEF CONTACT I HAD WITH HER HORN.  
CCG: SO I WAS SAFE FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF 4 MINUTES BEFORE COMING ACROSS STRIDER WHO WAS ACTUALLY TRYING TO HIDE THE FACT THAT HE WAS SOBBING LIKE A CHILD.  
CCG: PROBABLY GLANCED OVER SOME OF THOSE OLD PHOTOS AGAIN.  
CCG: I NEEDED TO SAY SOMETHING AND I ACTUALLY…….  
CCG: FUCK I………  
CCG: I SHOOSHED HIM.  
FCG: OH, I REMEMBER THAT. THAT WAS EMBERRASSING.  
CCG: HOW COULD I NOT?!  
CCG: HE WAS SO DAMN PITIABLE AND ALL THESE PENT UP PALE SENTIMENTS THAT I’VE BEEN BUILDING UP NEED AN OUTLET.  
CCG: I FEEL HORRIBLE OUT IT. THIS IS MAKING ME PHYSICALLY ILL. I AM DISGUSTED BY MYSELF.  
CCG: DOES THIS MEAN I AM CHEATING ON YOU? DOES THIS MEAN KANAYA DOESN’T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME ANYMORE?  
CCG: I AM SERIOUSLY FREAKING OUT HERE.  
CCG: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED T---  
FCG: SHOOSH.  
CCG: BUT I—  
FCG: SHOOOOOOOOOOSH ASSHOLE.  
FCG: FUCKING SHOOSH.  
CCG: ………..  
FCG: FIRST OF ALL, YOU ARE NOT CHEATING ON ME. I AM NOT EVEN FUCKING SURE IF YOU *CAN* CHEAT ON ME.  
FCG: IF ANYTHING, THIS IS MASTURBATION.  
CCG: THAT SOUNDS AWFULLY FUCKING SLEAZY.  
FCG: I SAID SHOOOSH ASSHOLE.  
FCG: AS FOR KANAYA, SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT YOU SHOOSHING THE STRIDER.  
FCG: IT ONLY MOMENTARILY CONFUSED THE IDIOT.  
CCG: HE DOESN’T EVEN REALIZE THE SIGNIFICANCE OF BEING SHOOSHED?  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THEIR THINKPANS?  
CCG: NO WONDER HE FAILS TO PROPERLY PACIFY LALONDE.  
FCG: SO BASICALLY, NO HARM NO FOUL.  
CCG: WHAT?!  
FCG: IT’S A HUMAN SAYING.   
FCG: OH AND SPOILER: YOU’LL GET INVOLVED IN A LOT MORE PALE DEPRAVITY.  
FCG: HONESTLY, HAVING YOUR FUTURE SELF PACIFY YOU SEEMS TAME COMPARED TO SOME OF THE STUFF I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN AT THIS POINT.  
CCG: FUCK.  
CCG: I THOUGHT THIS SHIT COULDN’T GET ANY MORE DISGUSTING.  
FCG: NOP. THIS IS GETTING IN SERIOUS PORNOGRAPHIC TERRITORIES. THIS IS THE KINDA SHIT I THOUGHT WAS IMPOSSIBLE BEFORE THE GAME.  
FCG: FUCK, THIS IS THE KINDA SHIT I THOUGHT WAS IMPOSSIBLE *DURING* THE GAME.  
CCG: SO WHAT HAPPENS?  
FCG: IT’S PROBABLY BETTER IF YOU JUST GO WITH THE FLOW, INSTEAD OF MENTALLY ANTICIPATING AN EVENT THAT MIGHT BE WEEKS FROM NOW.  
CCG: DON’T BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE AND TELL ME!  
FCG: ALRIGHT LOOK. WHEN KANAYA ASKS YOU TO HELP HER CONFRONT LALONDE ABOUT HER SOPOR HABBITS, THINGS GET…….. TENDER.  
CCG: ……IN FRONT OF LALONDE?  
FCG: WITH LALONDE.  
CCG: FUCK ME.  
FCG: I KNOW.  
FCG: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME WE SAW PALE THREESOME ACTION?  
CCG: I ONLY LOOKED THAT SHIT UP WHEN I KNEW FOR CERTAIN CRABDAD WAS OUT FOR A FEW DAYS.   
CCG: ASSPICKLES, THIS……. THIS IS SERIOUSLY MESSED UP.  
FCG: YOU’LL ENJOY IT.  
CCG: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS METEOR RIDE DOING WITH US?  
FCG: IT’S NOT TOO BAD.  
FCG: AND IF THINGS CONTINUE TO GO THE WAY THEY ARE WITH TEREZI, WE MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE SOME FUCKING PROGRESS WITH HER.  
CCG: YOU ARE PALE SEDUCING HER TOO?!  
CCG: WHAT THE HELL?!  
FCG: WHAT? NO, NO OF COURSE NOT.  
FCG: I JUST WANT TO FUCKING HELP HER GET HER SHIT TOGETHER AGAIN.  
FCG: PERHAPS EVEN HELP HER FIND HER OLD CHIPPER SELF BACK AGAIN.  
CCG: DEAR GOD, YOU *ARE* TRYING TO PALE SEDUCE HER!  
FCG: WELL, I GUESS WHEN YOU WRITE IT OUT LIKE THAT…..  
CCG: NO. BAD IDEA. MOVE THE FUCK BACK. SHE NEEDS A FRIEND TO HELP HER THROUGH HER AWFUL BLACKROM AND *NOT* SOMEONE TRYING TO GET HIS PALE ROCKS OFF.  
CCG: SHOOSH MOTHERFUCKER SHOOSH.  
FCG: I JUST WANNA HELP HER…..  
CCG: AND THAT IS FINE, BUT YOU ARE GOING INTO IT WITH THE ENTHUSIASM OF A WRIGGLER WHO JUST DISCOVERED THE JOYS OF MASTURBATION!  
CCG: TAKE IT SLOW AND PERHAPS TEAM UP WITH STRIDER TO SEE HOW YOU CAN HELP HER.  
FCG: THAT SHADESWEARING MONGOLOID?  
FCG: HE COULDN’T PACIFY LALONDE WHEN SHE WAS FEELING ALRIGHT, HOW CAN HE HELP TEREZI WHEN SHE’S DOWN LIKE THIS?  
CCG: WELL HE GETS HER. PERHAPS BETTER THAN WE EVER DID.  
FCG: NGRHGH…….. I CAN’T BELIEVE I FUCKING SAID THAT AT SOME POINT IN THE PAST.  
CCG: YEAH, I KNOW. IT FEELS FUCKING WEIRD. BUT I AM PRETTY SURE HE CAN HELP YOU OUT WITH HELPING HER.  
FCG: ……. ALRIGHT.   
FCG: I GUESS IT CAN’T FUCKING HURT TO TRY.  
CCG: <>  
FCG: <>  
CCG: HOLD ON. SOMETHING ELSE IS HAPPENING.

**\-- PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] unblocked CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]\--**

PCG: NOW DON’T GET ANY BRIGHT FUCKING IDEAS FUTURE ASSHOLE.  
PCG: THIS IS NOT ME APOLOGIZING FOR *YOUR* TERRIBLE FUCKING MISTAKES. THIS IS NOT ME CRAWLING TO YOU LOOKING FOR FORGIVENESS LIKE YOU ARE THE PATRON SAINT OF ALL PARADOX SPACE SCREW-UPS.  
PCG: I JUST NEED TO VENT FOR A MOMENT AND YOU CAN PRETEND YOU DID OR DIDN’T HEAR ANY OF THAT. REGARDLESS OF YOUR ACTIONS, THE AMOUNT OF FUCKS I GIVE WILL REMAIN THE SAME. NAMELY ZERO.  
PCG: ZERO IS STILL A FUCKING NUMBER RIGHT?

**> Karkat: Be the future self**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was meant to be a cute little one shot but really enjoyed Karkat yelling to himself. Final gift will also include pale shenanigans after which I actually have to think of my own works again. 
> 
> What about Terezi/Equius? Pretty sure that hasn't been done before......

**Author's Note:**

> This was a fun challenge.
> 
> I like exploring the stranger quadrants (contemplating doing an ashen fic) and moiraillegiance definitely deserves some more love. Karkat yelling to himself about himself is just a fun scenario to get, which is why I want to make the next chapter really smutty...... in a pale way.


End file.
